Nancy Samalin is a best-selling parenting author, speaker and workshop leader, and a frequent guest on national TV and radio. Having met her through research for my article about cell phones for young children, How Being Frugal Can Preserve Your Child’s Innocence, I got the chance to interview her about antidotes to spoiling kids.

Interview with Parenting Expert, Nancy Samalin

Frugal Mama: In your book Loving Without Spoiling, you encourage parents to distinguish between a child’s needs and wants (something a child cannot always do).  For example, a child expresses a want when he begs for something because “everyone else has it.”

Sometimes it can be very hard for parents to resist these arguments, perhaps due to memories of feeling left out in our own childhood, or just wanting our child to fit in and be happy.

Can you offer parents any tools for dealing with this dilemma — in terms of our own inner struggles, as well as ways to respond to our children?

Nancy Samalin: I dont think a child in today’s world knows the difference between wants and needs AT ALL.  He’ll tell you:  “But I really want it badly.”  “Please, Mommy.  I’ll love you forever!”  “All the kids in my class have it.”   “I’m the only one…”   “Daddy would give it to me!”

First parents should ask the question:  Is this a want or a need?

Second, realize that just because he wants it doesn’t mean he’s greedy, selfish or spoiled.  The world today is full of so many temptations.  Instead of saying, “Look at all the trucks you have!  Why do you need another one?”   Try saying:  “That really does look like a nice toy.”  Followed by:  “You can put it on your wish list,” “I’ll keep that in mind,” or simply, “No, I can’t get you that toy.”

Remember that you don’t need to give an explanation every time you say no.  Explanations usually lead to arguments. Children will give you a reason why yours is not a good reason.  Try using a simple statement like, “Cookies are to be eaten after dinner.”

Frugal Mama: What about the guilt part, when parents think that maybe the kid is right and he’ll be an outcast at school if he doesn’t have that toy he’s been begging them for?

Nancy Samalin: If you feel sorry for your child when you’re saying no, wondering if you’re being mean, or maybe all the other parents are doing it — if you say no with doubt or ambivalence, or if it’s not 100% no — forget about it. Kids have huge powers of persuasion and patience to wear you down — especially if you’re not absolutely sure how you feel.  Children are like bloodhounds; they can sniff out maybe’s a mile away.

If you do say no and mean it, remember that an unhappy child is not an unloved child.  And an unhappy child is only temporarily unhappy. Parents forget that their job is not to make their child happy all the time.  If they do think their job is to make their children happy all the time, they’re at risk for spoiling their kids.

Frugal Mama: We’ve all heard that bribing or blackmailing kids is a no-no.  You point out, for one thing, that bribes can teach kids to be manipulative.  However, rewarding children is okay.  Can you explain the difference between bribes and rewards?

Nancy Samalin: The difference between a reward and a bribe is that a reward is after the fact, a bribe is before.  For example, a bribe is:  “If you stop bugging me, I’ll give you an ice cream cone.”

Here’s another example:  “Every time you brush your teeth, I’ll give you 50 cents.”  This works for five days and then the kid says, “I don’t feel like brushing my teeth.”

“Well, what about the 50 cents?”

“I want you to give me a dollar.”

A reward is when your child does something really thoughtful, caring or cooperative, and you say, “I really appreciate what you just did.  Let’s spend some time together tonight.  I’ll read you an extra story.”  Or, “Let’s go down to the store tomorrow morning and get a bagel together, just you and me.”  One very wise person said, LOVE is spelled TIME.

All that time parents spend with their kids — feeding, getting ready for bed, giving baths, supervising homework, what I call maintenance time — is not the same as focused time spent alone with a child (what some people call quality time, or what I prefer to call “special time”).

Even 10 minutes of focused time with a child — doing something you both enjoy — is a big gift. Here is an example from Loving Without Spoiling:

A high-powered businesswoman and her son are spending some alone time together and the phone rings.  Seeing that the mom doesn’t immediately jump up to answer the phone, the boy says, “Mom, the phone!”  When she says, “Let’s let the machine pick it up.  I’m having so much fun with you right now. That person can wait.”  The boy sits up tall in his chair, beaming.  What she was saying to him was, “You’re more important than anything else right now.”

Frugal Mama: In Loving Without Spoiling, you tell parents it’s all right to risk being unpopular by setting limits and saying no more often.  In my household, I’m the disciplinarian parent — and I’ve gotten even more firm over the years, even instilling a new system of household chores.

It may be other forces at work, but I feel like my children have been expressing more — not fewer — sentiments of affection towards me.  What is your take on this?

Nancy Samalin: Children feel secure if there are more limits.  Can you imagine crossing the George Washington Bridge with no guardrails?  Children feel good at the moment if they get their way, but then they don’t feel good about themselves because they realize they have too much power.  They’re little and we’re big.  They feel safer when parents are in control.

I strive to be empathetic and credible as a parent to my kids.  For example, being credible is saying, “You must use your restaurant manners or we’re going home” and then really doing it.  And you only have to do it once to send the message.  Following through with rules is much more effective than making threats.

Frugal Mama: I agree with you that most children don’t need more toys, and in fact, the amount of toys can overwhelm them.   Instead of expressing love through things, you recommend parents spend more quality time with their children.

This is wonderful advice, but it’s not always easy to implement — for various reasons.  We have so little time and energy at the end of the day, or we don’t know how to find a mutually-pleasing activity, or because purchasing a toy — in our concrete world — appeals to our sense of getting things accomplished.

In our family, one way I’ve found to ensure that quality (or one-on-one) time with our children doesn’t get squeezed out is to schedule an activity at a regular time (say every Sunday night) that is fun for both the parent and the child.

Can you recommend any other strategies for helping busy parents make that choice of time over stuff?

Nancy Samalin: The problem with buying toys is that toys don’t last very long.  And if you have more than one child, then how can you buy a toy for one without the other having a meltdown?  Toys offer a momentary burst of pleasure, then they are left somewhere or broken.  One way of treating a child with “wantitis” is to ask him to put the toy on his wish list.

Frugal Mama: And what about the question of time?  How do busy parents find it?

Nancy Samalin: It’s hard to find those little moments, but they are there. You don’t need to spend the whole afternoon together. That’s too long anyway. What often ends up happening is that you spend hours together at the circus and then it ends badly when the child throws a fit because you won’t buy him some cotton candy.

Find little segments of time.  Set a timer and tell a child, “It’s really hard to share me with the baby.  I know I haven’t had as much time since she was born.  So from 7:00 to 7:15, it’s just me and you.”

When the time is over, you’re finished.  Because we can’t spend quality time — 100%, in-the-moment time — with a child for a long period.  We’re just not built that way, especially in today’s world when there are so many distractions like computers, blackberries, email, phone, TV.  Ten minutes of really focusing on a child — that’s a huge gift.

About the Author

Nancy Samalin is the author of four books including Loving Each One Best: A Caring and Practical Approach to Raising Siblings and Loving Without Spoiling: And 100 Other Timeless Tips for Raising Terrific Kids. Nancy’s books have been translated into many languages including Spanish, French, German, Japanese, Korean, Portuguese, Chinese, and Italian.

She has appeared on Dateline/NBC, 20/20, The Today Show, Good Morning America, The Early Show and CNN. She has been the keynote speaker and lecturer at many corporations including IBM, Time Warner and American Express and has spoken at countless schools and universities.

What about you? Are these issues you struggle with too? How do you solve them?