Ah, it’s that time again. When the sun goes down earlier and class lists arrive in the mail. Time to relax my grip on the ambling days of summer and begin looking forward to a raring new start.
Diana at 1 year
To me, back-to-school means more activity. Social events and school newsletters pack the calendar and inbox, and while my kids have their noses in books, I try to get down to some more serious work myself.
This year Luke, who just turned four years old, will enter pre-K at our elementary school. It’s a bittersweet moment — I’ll get more time for quiet productivity, but the cost is that my toddler is not so tumbly and chubby anymore. (Thank God, I still have little Diana to keep me from getting too serious.)
One late summer ritual that will be a first for Luke is back-to-school shopping. It’s a fun outing, but it can get expensive (even though we have avoided any big-ticket “supplies” like electronics, so far).
Here are some ways I’m going to reduce this year’s bill, while making me feel like my house and I are getting fresh start too.
1. Make an In-House Store
School starting is the perfect incentive to tackle our bulging office supplies cabinet, and purge, consolidate, and re-organize. I know that we have armies of pencils and a small forest of pocket folders, so while I’m re-organizing, I’m going to set aside anything I have that is on my kids’ supply lists.
I’ll lay them out on the table by category, and each child can take turns “shopping” from the home store. Anything that we can’t fulfill at home can be purchased. Buying new stuff is sometimes easier (and, let’s face it, more fun) but decluttering is really satisfying too, and the effect lasts longer.
2. Upcycle Used Materials
Teachers often ask kids to personalize their writing or science notebook with drawings, photos, or stickers. For us, it’s a great opportunity to re-use those free binders from business conferences, and get them out of the house.
Logos can be covered up by printing out favorite photos, like Sofia did last year, and “laminating” them onto the notebooks with clear packing tape.
3. Trade in Old Electronics for Cash
We have a few outdated cell phones in our garage, and I’m not ready to hand them over to my kids. Yet if I let the technology gather dust, they probably won’t be worth much in a year or two.
Clearing out personal info and disabling plans on old electronics can take some time, so I’ll have to set aside an hour or more. If you’re interested too, see this post at Digital Trends for recommended steps as well as suggestions for where to sell your stuff.
It says you can make more money by selling stuff on the open market (like Craigslist or eBay) but a simpler way is to send it for free to a place like NextWorth or Gazelle.
By avoiding characters and girly or boyish colors, our backpacks have been passed down from sister to brother.
5. Shop Close to Home
We used to drive out to a big office supply store to get all of our school supplies. But I’ve noticed that making special trips to huge warehouse stores to get good deals can actually encourage me to spend more. Consumer psychology says that if we feel the trip is a hassle, we will buy a lot to avoid having to make a repeat trip and to make the effort “worth it.”
Last year, we tried something different: we just walked down to our corner CVS and found everything on our three school kids’ lists, including flash drives, a middle-schooler lunch box, and the tissues and wet wipes that teachers are asking for these days.
Shopping close to home meant a low-pressure trip, where we only got what we needed (also because we had to carry it all home). Another bonus? We racked up cash-back points that we knew we could use soon.
6. Get Unusual Items Online
Then if there are any odd items on the list remaining, I find them online, where I know I can get the best price and I won’t have to traipse through more stores (where more temptations lie). I find that I am less likely to make drive-by grabs if I’m not in direct contact with the sparkly colors of real-life stuff.
Amazon now has a new program called AmazonSmile where 5% of proceeds get donated to the school (or other cause) of your choice. Now is also a good time to renew school assignments at other fundraising programs like eScrip.
That’s my plan for next week, the final seven days before the bell officially rings. I’m wishing you a flying start to this school year and smooth sailing ahead.
A couple of years ago, I published a list of what I keep in my makeup kit. Products (and people) change, so I thought it would be fun to give that post a make-over.
I’m one of those people who feels a little undressed without makeup, so just like my morning shower and coffee, eyeliner is an essential part of my routine. And, thanks to a couple of insider tips, I no longer feel like I’m missing out when I pass those luxury makeup counters at Bloomingdales. (More on that later.)
Here is what I’m using now:
1. Tinted Moisturizer
More of a tint than a moisturizer, this very light foundation needs to be applied along with lotion so that it spreads on easily. I’ve tried others and I like Neutrogena’s Healthy Skin Glow Sheers because it’s lightweight in both consistency and color.
A common problem is when eyeshadow or liner transfers to the upper lids, usually due to oily lids or heavy upper lids. The best defense against this makeup mishap is to use an eyeshadow primer in addition to a waterproof eyeliner (more on that soon).
A lot of makeup companies make eyeshadow bases, but I found L’Oreal De-Crease from the drugstore, and it works great.
4. Blush
When I wanted to create a natural, no-makeup look that I saw in Real Simple magazine, I used a birthday gift card to buy the hilarious yet irresistibly named multi-purpose blush stick from Nars called The Multiple in its most popular color, Orgasm.
When that ran out and I didn’t feel like paying $39 for blush, I found an Orgasm equivalent: Milani Baked Blush in Luminoso for $8.
Tip: To find a low-cost alternative to pricey cosmetics, do a web search for the product name followed by the word “dupe.”
5. Eyeliner
Revlon’s ColorStay liquid liner was recommended theater makeup at the Syracuse Children’s Theater
When my daughter Virginia was cast in Aristocats a few years ago and the theater director required kid performers to buy Revlon ColorStay Liquid Liner, I knew it must be an unusual product. In fact, it really does stay.
So when the show was over, I slipped it in my own makeup bag and have used it for years. I’m currently using the créme gel version of the Revlon ColorStay line, which doesn’t require as steady of a hand as the liquid liner, and has a little softer (and less permanent) look.
6. Eyeshadow
When I was living in New York, I met a guy who worked at the corporate headquarters of L’Oreal. He told me that,
Secret: L’Oreal drugstore cosmetics are made with the same exact ingredients as their luxury department store brand, Lancôme.
So why pay four times as much and get upsold by a beautiful saleswoman, when you can toss basically the same product into your basket at CVS and be out of there for $4?
Mascara is a perfect place to save on makeup since magazines are always saying how their favorites are run-of-the-mill products like Maybelline Great Lash. (Maybelline’s parent company is also L’Oreal, by the way.) Right now I’m using Maybelline’s Full ‘N Soft waterproof mascara in Very Black.
Why waterproof? I used to get waterproof mascara in high school because (a) I dreamed of being part of the kind of torrid love affair that you see in the movies where they fight in the rain, and (b) I used to laugh so hard I would cry, quite frequently. I still sometimes do that (b not a) but mainly I just want to avoid looking like a raccoon.
8. Tinted Lip Gloss
Frequency of kissing is the reason I made the switch from lipstick to chapstick. It’s not what you think. When I had my first baby, I was overcome with the urge to kiss her five million times a day. And why would I want to cover that porcelain skin with Revlon’s “wine with everything”?
This glorified chapstick — Nivea Kiss of Care & Color — is smooth and soft and gives me just a hint of color.
Do you have a valuable beauty product that doesn’t cost a lot?
This week I’m talking with one of my favorite people — author, thought leader, and mother of five, Meagan Francis. You may have read one of Meagan’s insightful essays in Parenting magazine, which is where I first noticed her, or seen her on the Today Show offering a sane alternative to tiger mothering.
When she came out with a new book this spring, I knew it would be written with her signature blend of calm, clarity, and encouragement, and it is. In Beyond Baby: A Week-By-Week Guide To Creating a Life You Love When Your Kids Aren’t So Little, Meagan guides women who are emerging from the intense, inward-turning phase of mothering small children, and helps them to look up and out toward a new and exciting life and role in the world.
Here is part of our conversation about getting “beyond baby” and more:
Amy Suardi: I like how you acknowledge the mixed emotions that we can feel when we get beyond the baby years. It’s a bittersweet time, both freeing yet scary, sad yet exciting. I have certainly been through it several times as my children have grown, and even in other periods of my life, like when I graduated from high school.
How did you know it was time for you to write this book?
Meagan Francis: Great question! I think I knew it was time to write the book when I felt like I had made peace with those bittersweet feelings and felt more optimism and focus toward my future than lingering sadness about moving on from the past.
It took me a couple of years to fully make that transition, but once I did, I could clearly look back and see some of the decisions I’d made and the thinking process I’d used to help me work through it, and I knew I would be able to share it with readers and help them make the same transition.
Amy Suardi: This is very comforting to hear. I think many of us might think that we should be able to spring into a new role after our child’s preschool graduation. It’s nice to know that it’s OK if it takes years to feel ready to tackle a new way of interacting with the world.
The good thing is that there really are lots of fun things to look forward to — from delving into adult projects and buying new clothes to having conversations without having to simultaneously entertain a toddler. What were some of the most fun parts of being “beyond baby” for you?
Meagan Francis: One of the things I’m loving the most is having the time and energy to really devote to my house! It might sound weird since I’ve been technically an at-home mom (though, in reality, a working-at-home mom) for all these years, but I have really been in “survival” mode when it comes to my household.
Now I’m finding that I have more time and space to cook, decorate, and even delve into some creative projects like embroidery — stuff that was really tough to do when I had toddlers crawling all over me every time I sat down!
Outside of the home, my husband and I are traveling together more than we ever have, and manage to sneak away for quickie dates several times a week — we have teenagers, so it’s pretty easy for us to grab an hour or two here and there. We’re having a blast.
And this year I started performing in community theatre again — something I hadn’t done in well over a decade — and even signed up for voice lessons. All these options seem to be opening up in front of me, and it’s been really fun to explore.
Amy Suardi: I’ve always admired your ability to step back and see life in a new light, turning a guilt-inducing situation into one where you feel settled and optimistic.
You have a knack for figuring things out and putting a name on them — like the endlessness of organizing when you are parenting young children, and how it is a process not a goal. Or how you give us permission to opt out of things moms are supposed to enjoy doing, like getting the wiggles out with the kids at the library story hour.
How do your insights come to you?
Meagan Francis: Thanks — it is so good to hear when something I’ve written is helpful!
By nature, I am a thinker — it’s just what I do. I’ve always been this way! I can remember spending hours as a child just lying on my bed or staring out the school-room window, daydreaming. I often find myself mulling over the simplest, smallest experience again and again, trying to find the insight or the “big idea” behind it.
Also, human nature fascinates me and I’ve always been drawn to helping others. So connections, solutions, and ideas just kind of come to me naturally. The downside, of course, is that it can be difficult for me to be really in the moment because I am so often lost in thought. Yoga helps get me out of my head.
Amy Suardi: In the last section of your book, you share one of these insights, saying that ambivalence about moving beyond the baby stage isn’t always about wondering whether you want another baby. Sometimes it’s more about trying to feel comfortable with your new stage of life, and worrying that if you really close that door, you’ll have to find another way of contributing to the world.
Can you share a few ways that you encourage women to step outside their cozy nests, and as you say, step toward goals they’ve had on the “back burner so long they may have dried up”?
Meagan Francis: The first thing I think you have to do is give yourself permission to feel the way you feel. So often I hear women trying to of talk themselves out of the ambivalence by presenting all the logical reasons they shouldn’t (or sometimes, should) have another baby.
Logic is wonderful and thinking with your head is crucial when you’re making a big life decision, but it’s also important to acknowledge that our hearts and heads may not always be in the same place. Moving past the “mama of little ones” stage is a huge identity shift, and mourning that life and that self is totally normal and natural, even if you don’t even really want another child.
The second thing is to take a step. A little baby step — any little baby step — and be open to the opportunities that arise from it.
For example, maybe you take a painting class. Through that class you meet new people you otherwise wouldn’t have met. Maybe you see a flier for another class that excites you. Maybe you develop some great new friendships with other students or your instructor. Maybe you find out about an opportunity to volunteer at a museum or enter your work in a competition. Maybe it even leads to a part-time job or a new career.
When we are open to whatever a new experience brings us, that one, little baby step can snowball in all kinds of exciting ways. And it can unfold slowly over time, as your life continues to change and your kids grow.
That’s why writing Beyond Baby excited me so much — I really believe that just focusing on yourself a little at a time and being open to whatever happens is the first step in building a rich life for yourself that will become the foundation of who you are as you move out of the baby phase, into the parenting-big-kids phase, and eventually, into the empty-nest phase.
And I’m hearing from all kinds of women who are receiving so much satisfaction and excitement out of getting in touch with themselves again.
Amy Suardi: Thank you for sharing all of this with us, Meagan. I know there is much more to dig into in your new book.
I’ve read the book, and having been in and out of the “beyond baby” phase myself, and I wish I had had this kind of encouragement when my baby was taking his first steps and I was feeling a little unsure of what my next steps would be.
Thank you, Meagan, for being a mentor, cheerleader, and sage guide to women and moms in all stages of their journey.
This spring we took the kids to Disney World for the first time. I confess that I was thinking of the trip as a once-in-a-lifetime experience: you go there, your kids get to tell their friends they did it, and then you cross it off your list. It had been so long since I had been there as a child that I had forgotten that the clichés are actually true: it was like a magical world, we did bond as a family, and we really felt that elusive emotion: joy.
We only stayed in Orlando for three nights, and we visited just one theme park, yet the trip felt totally satisfying. Visiting Orlando doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing trip, and it can be done without pilfering the college savings account.
Our trip was inspired by an offer to stay in a Holiday Inn resort in exchange for touring their new facilities (which turned out to be a timeshare sales pitch), but a free stay is not at all necessary for a low-budget Disney vacation. In fact, we made some mistakes on other aspects that ended up costing us more money.
Here is what I would and wouldn’t do the next time we make the pilgrimmage.
1. Which Parks and How Many Days?
With a baby and a toddler (in addition to our 6-, 10-, and 12-year-olds), we knew that we would have to pedal slowly if we wanted to enjoy the ride. Plus time and money were a consideration: Disney entrance tickets are about $100 per person, and we only had two full days in Orlando (in addition to travel days). We figured that one blockbuster day at a theme park would be enough, and it was.
We chose the Magic Kingdom as being the most epic, and 12 hours there was enough to do our FastPass rides, see parades, have leisurely meals, and catch the impressive fireworks display over Cinderella castle.
The rest of the time we just enjoyed the Florida sun at the hotel pool and mini-golf course. Heck, just being away from house chores and school and work routines was special for all of us.
2. To Stay On-Site or Off?
Some of the perks of staying in a Disney World resort hotel are being able to stay in the parks longer, and enjoying a feeling of escape from the real world, as if you were living in a magic bubble.
There are also some financial advantages of staying in a Disney resort, such as free transportation to and from the airport, which could save you the cost of renting a car. Staying on-site could also mean being able to go back to the hotel for naps and even home-made meals. Disney World also has several “value resort hotels” and campgrounds, which could be just as affordable as regular hotels.
That said, the consensus is that it’s cheaper to stay in a regular hotel. Sure you’ll have to leave the perfect happy (albeit expensive) world of Disney, but if you are only doing one park like we did, then that bubble will be burst soon enough anyway.
I’ve talked to people who have both stayed on- and off-site and there are pros and cons of both. To help make your decision, you might want to do a search on hotels.com and kayak.com, and then compare rates with the Disney hotels.
3. When Booking Flights, Don’t Follow the Crowds
One key to our making our trip affordable was booking our air travel way in advance — two holidays ahead of time. We bought our Spring Break air tickets before Christmas, and the rates were great. I can’t claim to know the secrets of price fluctuation, but I know that after the New Year, people start thinking about the next travel break and prices probably rise to reflect that demand.
Another way to save, of course, is traveling at off-peak times, like when there is no major holiday and school is in session. But I wouldn’t worry if school and work schedules are not permitting. Yes, the Magic Kingdom was jam-packed at spring break, but despite the cramped conditions, there was not one rude word muttered. It was as if we were all just so happy to be there.
4. Try Non-Traditional Car Transport
Another way to potentially shave hundreds of dollars off your trip is to find a low-cost rental car. According to the Disney Tourist Blog, which I found to be an incredible source of knowledge, Firefly rentals cost a fraction of what big name companies charge. By the time we found out about this lesser-known company, all their family cars were booked, so check it out early.
If you live near the east coast, another fun idea is to drive to Washington, D.C. and board the Auto Train to Orlando. You’ll need to lengthen your trip by a day, since the 17-hour train ride involves an overnight sleeper car portion, but you won’t be paying for flights or rental cars (or sitting strapped into a car seat).
5. Don’t Pick Up Tickets at Will Call
Disney theme parks don’t sell out as far as I know, but don’t let that lull you into thinking you can wait until the last minute to buy tickets. By the time I bought our tickets, it was too late to get them mailed to our house for free. We decided to go with the other free option — pick them up at Will Call — but the line took 30 minutes to get through — ugh!
So buy your tickets at least a month in advance so you can get them mailed to your house without paying rush shipping.
6. Get Groceries Delivered to Your Hotel
Going back to the magic bubble concept, grocery shopping is one activity that could burst mine. On the other hand, eating every meal in a restaurant with small kids is no vacation either. So we stayed in a place with a kitchenette and ate some of our meals in the apartment and some as picnics, and then splurged on a few special meals out.
Garden Grocer delivers to almost all hotels and resorts in the Orlando area, and while their prices are higher, you’re still going to save a lot of money over eating in restaurants. Plus, you’ll feel like a queen when the delivery guy actually unloads the groceries into your refrigerator, like he did with mine. (Delivery windows fill up, so get your order in one to two weeks in advance.)
To know what to order, I counted on eating all of our restaurant meals in the Magic Kingdom, and the rest in the hotel. For dinner, I cooked one-dish family favorites like broccoli pasta or gnocchi with tomato-butter sauce, and for lunches I ordered picnic foods we could take poolside, like baguettes, salami, olives, nuts, cheese, and grapes.
I also ordered some snack food to bring to the theme park (Disney World allows outside food), like cheese sticks, dried mango slices, and granola bars. My husband was psyched that I even was able to order him Land Shark beer by uploading a copy of his driver’s license to the website.
A few items I brought from home such as portable salt and pepper shakers from our last vacation, my favorite coffee, and a re-closable canister of sugar. We were even able to take any leftover food home with us, so hardly anything got wasted.
7. Don’t Forget to Bring This Stuff
DisneyWorld packing lists can be pages long, but you really just need to pack like you would for a day trip with the kids. Bring stuff like diapers and a change of clothes for babies and toilet-trainers, snacks and water, blankets or lovies for nap times, and a lightweight stroller that you can easily fold.
The only thing that we didn’t bring that we paid dearly for were sweatshirts. When we skipped out of the hotel that morning, it was a beautiful day. But Florida’s reputation as “sunny” can be deceiving.
The temperature really drops at night, and we ended up buying very pricey souvenirs when the sun went down and we were all freezing — $50 Disney sweatshirts from a gift shop on Main Street. So wear jackets around your waist and, if they’re not waterproof, bring disposable ponchos, because sudden rain showers are also common in Florida.
Finally, don’t forget medicine, because if you’re like us, someone always gets sick on vacation.
8. Plan Your Day, Humanely
To accommodate everyone in our family — from grown-ups and tweens to toddlers and babies — we had to make some choices. Arriving early, they say, is a smart trick for getting the most out of DisneyWorld. During the first two hours of the day, lines are short to nonexistent, so you can do a bunch of rides before the crowds arrive. But with young children and no place to nap, you can’t go early and stay late.
So we decided to arrive late and stay late. Seeing the famous fireworks over the castle was important to the bigger kids (and me), so we woke up at a normal hour and took our time in the morning.
The plan worked out great: leaving the hotel at a leisurely pace helped us last until midnight (which was when we all finally hit the hay). And being in the park from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. was enough time to see and do all the things we had hoped for, and more.
9. Let Yourself Be Waited On
To keep meltdowns at bay, we built rest times into our day by making lunch and dinner reservations at sit-down restaurants. I knew it would cost more, but I wanted our short stay to be sweet. By making reservations, I knew we wouldn’t have to wait in line for a table, and we’d be able to rest and regroup, away from the sun and crowds.
If you decide to go this route, book your table on the Disney World website up to six months in advance. But if you don’t get the restaurant you want at the time you want, don’t worry. People do cancel, and by periodically checking (especially as it got closer to the 24-hour cancellation deadline), I was able to find a better fit.
(And by the way, if there are six or more people in your party, an 18% tip is included, so don’t double-tip as we did!)
10. Use Your 3 FastPass Rides — Anything Else is Icing
Included in the price of each ticket are three FastPasses, which means you go to the head of the line on three rides of your choice. FastPass selections and arrival times can be made online ahead of time, and I highly recommend it. When we were there in April, lines for the most popular rides were two hours long. With our fast passes, there was no wait at all.
Because of the different age groups in our family, my husband and I took turns going on rides with either the older or the younger children. But with Fastpasses shooting us to the head of the line, the non-riding group never had to wait too long.
(There is also the Rider Switch option: if a child cannot or doesn’t want to board a ride, adults can take turns going on the ride without having to wait in line again. If the adults both have FastPasses for that ride, the second adult riding can take two other guests, meaning some kids could do the ride twice.)
We booked a total of six different FastPass rides: three for the younger kids and an adult (Pirates of the Caribbean, It’s a Small World, and Tomorrowland Speedway), and three for the older kids and an adult (Splash Mountain, Big Thunder Mountain, and Space Mountain).
If you make lunch and dinner reservations, use restaurant locations and times as a starting point for planning the rest of your day. Also check out ride reviews at the Disney Tourist Blog. Then, using a Magic Kingdom map (downloadable from the Disney World website), book rides based on proximity, because the park is huge and feet get tired.
We only missed our first FastPass ride (Pirates) because it took us almost two hours to get from the hotel to the Disney World main gate, due to traffic, parking, shuttle and boat rides, the Will Call line, etc. Budget in time for all of that!
Otherwise, planning the rides in map order worked out really well. And allowing a little time between events meant that we could stop and look when a parade went by or a show suddenly erupted.
11. See the Fireworks While Sitting Down
Once I started researching the Wishes fireworks show at the Magic Kingdom, I realized that there was a whole strategy for this too. But I knew that no one would be in the mood to stand on the pavement for an hour to stake out a good viewing spot. So I began looking into the idea of eating dinner at a place where you could also see the fireworks (the Crystal Palace and The Plaza are safe bets).
It turned out to be a great strategy, because by that time of night, we were all ready to be in a cozy place, away from the noise, crowds, and chill.
We ate at the Crystal Palace, which has a good buffet dinner with the Winnie the Pooh characters making the rounds. Our three-year-old loved seeing the characters, but next time I would try the Plaza. It’s the least expensive of all the sit-down restaurants and its views of the fireworks are more head-on.
If you do the fireworks-dinner combination, find out what time Wishes will start on the day you’ll be there. Then book a table so that dinner overlaps with the fireworks start time. Plan on being in the restaurant for about an hour and a half. Our waitress was totally fine about our getting up to see the show; she only asked that we settle the bill first.
Since the restaurant was beginning to empty out after the fireworks (around 9:30 p.m.), we took our time eating dessert (and getting our group hug with Winnie the Pooh). The fireworks crowds had dissipated by the time we left the restaurant, and just as we were about to reach the monorail station to go back to the parking lot, the illuminated Electrical Parade started up, and we had an accidental front row seat. So we stayed until the end, and really felt lucky to have done and seen so much in one fantastic day.
Summing Up: It Doesn’t Have to Be All or Nothing
As our trip showed us, you don’t have to go all out when you do Disney World. One or two days in the parks really is enough, especially if you are working with smaller staminas.
Out of all the Orlando theme parks, the Magic Kingdom was the absolutely the right choice for us. My fifth and sixth grade daughters and I were worried it might be cheesy or babyish, but not at all! The quality of everything from architecture to theatrics was top-notch. Disney World is right up there with other American entertainment greats like Broadway, Colonial Willamsburg, Six Flags, and the Hollywood movies where it all started.
And if you liken Disney to Las Vegas (which is an apt comparison), you can see how one day was great, but two is not necessarily better. Disney has so much going on that, without even trying, we ran into two fantastic parades (Fantasy and Electric Lights) and two shows (Dreams Come True and a street harmonica band). Add a clean and well-designed environment to the entertainment factor, and the price of admission feels totally worth it.
The only thing I would have done differently was to plan more in advance. By waiting until the last minute to buy park tickets and to rent a car, we lost chances to save money and time. Take your time reading over the posts at the Disney Tourist Blog, which I found extremely helpful, and order a Disney Planning Guide and DVD from Disney. I bet this would have been helpful, although I wouldn’t know because I ordered it so late, that it arrived the night before we left!
We thought Disney World was just going to be a rite-of-passage experience. You do it once, and you’re done. But we all had so much fun that we are now sure that we’ll return. Maybe when Diana is old enough to remember. The only problem is, I’m not sure I can wait that long.
Two years ago, I planted four small evergreen trees beside our house and in our backyard. Leyland Cypresses are known for growing fast, so I could already imagine them tall, making our house look prettier and giving us some privacy in the back. But when I didn’t notice any change in them a year later, I got a little grumpy.
My mom, who is a seasoned gardener, happened to be visiting so she took a look at the trees and the ends of their fronds. She thought they were doing just fine, and she reminded me of a well-known expression in the horticultural world: the first year they sleep, the next year they creep, and the third year they leap.
Of course! The saying made perfect sense. When a plant has been sitting in a nursery in a five-gallon pot with its friends for a long time, why wouldn’t it need time to adjust to a new home? For the newcomer, everything is different: the type of soil it is expected to latch onto, the amount of light it is given, the micro-climate in its new area, and the other creatures and plants that surround it.
All I was thinking of was my end goal. The trees I imagined would soar up to the second floor of our house, tall and elegant like Tuscan pines. They would shield our space from foot traffic on the street and tower over the backyard like a sentinel.
These plants were teaching me the patience I needed to allow them to thrive in their own time, and I began to see how they were also teaching me parallel lessons about my own life.
When we moved into this place in Tenleytown, Washington, D.C. almost three years ago, everything was new to us too. We had never met any of our neighbors, and our children had never poked their heads into the schools they would attend, never met any of the kids who went there. We had to start from zero with doctors, DMVs, and dishwasher repairmen.
I certainly didn’t expect my kids to instantly adjust and thrive upon arrival. In fact, having moved so much in their growing years due to my husband’s medical training, I knew transplanting them again was stressful (for Sofia, this move would mean starting at her fourth elementary school).
Like a tree getting used to the earth it’s been dropped into, a child must dedicate a lot of energy to basic things like figuring out where the drinking fountain is and how the cafeteria works. But I don’t think anyone can thrive until they also know important things like who can they trust, who might be their friends, and what are their strengths and interests.
But the sleep-creep-leap parallel never struck me more than this year, our third year in D.C. Our daughter, the one who as a small child didn’t want to leave my lap during birthday parties, was blossoming. She had settled into a small group of friends, she had waited and watched and then tried out for the school play, and she seemed confident and happy.
Like a tree who is transplanted, she needed a year to observe and test boundaries before she was really ready to grow. Which made me wonder how sleep, creep, leap could be applied to all sorts of situations, and how it could help me be more empathetic and patient with myself and other people.
For example, if I were taking on a new job, I would be wise to give myself time to get acquainted with my boss, the work culture and its history, and my colleagues before I expected great accomplishments from myself. If I were a supervisor, hopefully I would give the same leeway to a new hire by allowing her time, but also by making the conditions rich for thriving: orienting her, encouraging her, giving her the tools and support she needed to do her job well.
Knowing sleep-creep-leap encouraged me to give grace in all kinds of situations, even small ones like going to parties. For example, when I arrive at a party where I know no one, allow myself space to quietly observe and make small talk before I try to make connections. If we are learning how to do something new, like playing the piano or making pottery, we should know that it will take a while of sleeping and slow creeping before our fingers dance across the keys or we can make a bowl that can hold a ladleful of soup.
The wisdom of trees even applied to our settling into this house. Even though I was eager to start working on it, things were so busy with my blog business and getting settled into a new city, that we had to wait (or sleep). Which was a good thing, because the wisdom says to live in a house for a year before you make any changes so you get to know its microclimate: what works and what doesn’t in all seasons of the year.
The second year, we crept into renovating. I’m now grateful for this slow pace, because we had a lot to learn. After a few small projects were under our belt, we were ready to make bigger strides in the third year. By that time, I had the confidence and experience to know what I wanted and to speak up about it.
Just last week I looked out of our dining room window at one of our lowly Leyland Cypresses that we had planted in the backyard. Unlike the ones on the side of our house, which now did look like shaggy, lanky teenagers, this one didn’t look like it had grown at all. I sighed, chalking up the lack of vigor to too much clay in the soil or not enough light.
But when I went out to the yard and took a few fronds in my hands, I realized that this tree had in fact adapted beautifully. The last six inches of each branch was a lighter green than the rest. This new growth was impossible to see from afar, but when I took the time to look closely, I could see it clearly.
I hadn’t even noticed this tree’s changing, because it had been creeping. And here was another lesson for me. Whether it’s a child learning to read or getting your house turned around after relatives have visited for the holidays, progress can be glacially slow. So slow that you don’t even notice there is any, and you might begin to lose heart. But if you keep on going — watering, fertilizing, whispering encouragement — there will be change. And probably a leap.
All of a sudden an afternoon will free up, and you’ll get everything put away, the laundry folded, and the vet appointment done, and then you find yourself dreaming about hosting the next party. Or, after many afternoons of pushing through homework, whining and tears, and rewards that didn’t even work, one day your son will shout out a whole sentence that he’s read on a billboard. I know, because it’s happened to me.
Ask the security guard his name. Compliment the neighbor you think you have nothing in common with. Introduce yourself to the nanny that no one is talking to.
Of course, we all know that we should be nice to everyone. But we get busy. And stressed, and tired. We feel we only have enough energy for being friendly to, well, our friends, and colleagues, and the people that matter, like bosses and teachers. So we rush through our days, doing enough to get by and shooting a quick smile or a hello, without really making a connection or finding out who someone is.
One of my first lessons in the power of friendliness I learned at my first job out of college, and it didn’t come from my boss. A friend from college, Chris, was working at the same non-profit in New York. He had been at the organization longer than me and was a manager of a team.
Even though he was more important than me, he put a lot of energy into being friendly to even the lowliest people at the organization. When he went down to the mailroom, for example, he wouldn’t just whiz in, deal with his package, grab his office supplies, and get out. He took the time to find out people’s names, smile and say hello, and chit-chat a minute.
One day Chris needed to overnight an important document, but it was after-hours and the file room was locked. None of his peer co-workers had the key, but he had connections. He called Manny in the mailroom who used his keys and goodwill towards Chris to get the job done.
If Chris has been the aloof executive, or the somewhat-snobby college grad like me, you can guess that his call would either have been answered with a, “Sorry, it’s too late,” or not answered at all.
Connections Go Both Up and Down
When someone says, “I can pull some strings,” we usually imagine a phone call to some fat cat with a cigar in a corner office. Yet there are a lot of people at the foundation of our society that have power. One could argue that they’re holding the whole thing up. They’re running our communication networks, delivering our mail, serving our food, fixing our houses and roads, keeping our neighborhoods safe, guarding our money, and caring for our children.
One of my favorite children’s books is The Little Blue Truck. (Since my boys only want to read books about things with wheels, this story gets a lot of traction in our house.) Little Blue is an old-fashioned pick-up who chugs through the countryside, slowing down to say hello to each of the animals along the way. It starts raining, and suddenly a big dump truck barrels through, pushing everyone aside to get to his job in time. He gets stuck in the mud, but no one comes when he calls for help. But when the Little Blue Truck gets stuck too, all the animals come running to rescue him.
Being nice to everyone in the entire spectrum of our lives means we are strengthening our networks, building relationships, and spreading good will. And when we direct this energy to the people we see regularly in our communities — workplace, school, neighborhood — then we really have a chance to create bonds that will lead to tangible rewards.
Kindness is more important than wisdom, and the recognition of this is the beginning of wisdom. –Theodore Rubin, psychiatrist and writer
Connecting Makes Us Happy
But being warm and open didn’t just mean that Chris could get things done without power or money. He seemed happier. His well-oiled social network made going to work a more fulfilling and fun experience.
As Gretchen Rubin discovered in her Happiness Project, “One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy; One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.”
I’m a little shy, so going up to people I don’t know does not come naturally to me. Over the years, l have learned to force myself to crawl out of my comfort zone. If I can make someone smile, it makes me feel good about myself. I then get more positive energy that I want to share. It becomes an endless feedback loop of friendliness and mutual respect.
Sometimes we decide not to reach out to someone or invite them over because we’re too tired or not feeling well or our house is a mess. Yet the irony is that connecting with people actually gives us energy, makes us forget about our aches and pains, and inspires us to whip our house into shape.
Perhaps this is because our deepest desires are to belong, to be loved and accepted by others, as Brené Brown says in Daring Greatly. We need each other. We are wired to connect, says Brown.
You Can’t Lose
If being friendly and open to everyone around us is natural and good, then why aren’t we all doing it?
In the old days, when cash was tight and communities were small and stable, people used to depend on each other for everything from harvesting crops to taking care of each other’s children. Rural communities still function this way today.
But most of us live in cities and suburbs, and in this time of relative affluence, a lot of us can buy what we need. Money weakens social ties by eliminating our dependence on others and crowding our spaces with material things.
Being nice to everyone is the right thing to do. But it’s also insurance against a rainy day. Because it will rain and we will get stuck in the mud. We should prepare for the worst, yes, by keeping an emergency fund, but also by strengthening our relationships — all the way down to the mail carrier and the crossing guard.
People who have strong relationships are happier and live longer, says study after study. Loneliness can cause all sorts of problems, including deteriorating emotional and physical health. Generous people have even been found to get more promotions and earn more money.
Maybe someone you reach out to will eventually help you get a job, recommend an inexpensive handyman, or lend you space heaters when your furnace goes out. Maybe someone you were nice to will rescue your cat, take care of your yard when you’re sick, give you a bag of hand-me-downs, or bring you groceries when you can’t walk. And you will do the same.
So many gods, so many creeds, So many paths that wind and wind, While just the art of being kind is all the sad world needs. -Ella Wheeler Wilcox, poet (1850-1919)
I continue to be touched by the kindness of strangers. The everyday generosity of people fills me up and inspires me to give more of myself. And that’s a contagion that I want to help spread.
A lot of people want a cozy house, but did you ever think of it as a fortress of comfort? Get this:
“Your home should feel like a steadfast haven — a place where nothing can ever go wrong,” says Jeffrey Alan Marks, author of The Meaning of Home.
Wow, I thought, when I read that in the October 2013 issue of Better Homes and Gardens. That’s powerful. How do I get that too?
To achieve this feeling of refuge, Marks suggests using super soft sofas, comfy chairs around a small table, or wall colors and textures that cocoon.
Since all of our couches are from Ikea, super-soft is not going to happen, but there are all sorts of ways to create serenity. As we continue to renovate and decorate, starting from pretty much a blank page —
BEFORE: Our living room when we bought the house
I find myself returning to three elements to create a feeling of soothing coziness.
1. Warm Lamp Lighting
AFTER: Our living room after painting, installing drapes, and adding a lamp
Our living room was one of the most difficult rooms to get right. Its odd hexagonal shape with windows and doors on all sides but one made it hard to place furniture.
Plus the room lacked a focal point, or even anything at all to draw people in. I was against a TV, so we were thrilled to be able to add a gas fireplace during our renovation (strangely, our 1916 house never had one).
After also adding desks for the kids, lots of books, and leather couches, the room went from a walk-through space to the heart of the house. However at night, it wasn’t really relaxing, and I knew why.
We needed lamp lighting. Even though we had an antique chandelier on a dimmer, overheads just can’t match the warmth and ambiance of lamp-light. There is a certain romance when a lamp is turned on. Especially if it has a fabric shade, a lamp gives off a soft, diffuse light that glows like a candle.
To feel snug on a rainy day or to unwind in the evening, I need at least one lamp in the room. Maybe you do too.
2. Window Dressings Made of Fabric
Our foyer is great place for welcoming guests and watching the world go by, but it can also be tucked in at night.
The plantation shutters we found in the house when we bought it provided a combination of privacy and views, but they didn’t give us 100% of either. The top half of the windows were always exposed, and we almost never bothered to open the shutters to reveal the full view.
BEFORE: The foyer used to be a library, until we removed the shelving, built closets, uncovered the radiator, and restored the window trim.
We love living in a city where it’s easy to interact with neighbors and use the sidewalks, but at night we like to be able to draw the drapes and get into our pajamas. Adding a bunch of fabric curtains, I thought, would contribute to a feeling of coziness and would also help absorb some of our (significant) noise.
We have 18 windows on the first floor alone and almost every one was a different size and shape, so we decided that buying ready-made curtains and altering them would be as much work and expense as making them from scratch. Since we were going to go with simple panels hung with clip rings, I planned on sewing them myself, but then life happened — a whole-house renovation during the last six months of our pregnancy — so we decided to farm the work out.
We found a relatively affordable seamstress and saved money by using the same inexpensive fabric in every room: a raw, unbleached cotton called Osnaburg, sometimes referred to as the poor man’s linen, which I found online for $1.67 per yard.
Curtains are much more difficult to get right than blinds, but I feel the angst is worth it in the end. They’re softer, more elegant, and provide a chance to add to the color and style of your house.
3. Instinctual Furniture Placement
Our bedroom as seen from the doorway
When you are the first in a group to arrive at a conference room or restaurant table, which seat do you pick? You probably choose a chair that faces the entry and where you can see most of the room.
According to Feng Shui, which I was surprised to learn is a lot about common sense, this is the “commanding position.” It gives us a sense of security and control over our space.
BEFORE: Our bedroom was formerly a walk-in closet and laundry room
Completely by accident, our new bedroom fits the principles of this ancient philosophy, and I wonder if that might be why I feel so good about how it turned out.
Since the room was small, I thought it would be fun to try a jewel-box effect, wrapping it in a deep, velvety blue. However the room also had lots of windows. So we completely covered them with floor-to-ceiling drapes that were the same color as the paint. This created the “solid” wall we needed to place the bed with a view of the entry, but without facing it head-on.
The drapes can be opened for more light if needed, but it remains a cozy refuge at any time of day.
This feeling that I’ve unconsciously been trying to create in our house is the combination of a soft embrace and a front door locking. It’s a safety and a comfort that evoke utter relaxation.
I agree with Jeffrey Alan Marks when he says that “true luxury is an environment that wraps you up like a blanket.”
I’ve been quiet recently, but I’m still here. Catching up after the holidays and the winter school break was like shoveling snow during a storm, and then Diana got sick with bronchiolitis.
Thankfully she’s better now, but then — like you too, probably — we got a bunch of real snow. We live near a great sledding hill, so snow days are when I make huge batches of hot chocolate and grilled cheese sandwiches.
Just as I cleared out my email inbox, my contractor called. Which means that we have embarked on our last big house project — renovating the attic into bedroom space for our oldest daughters.
Even as we were wrapping up 2013, I knew that things would have to be different this year with Frugal Mama. Of course a baby would change our lives forever, and especially during the intense first year. Some babies actually sleep through the night at Diana’s age (five months), but we’ve never had one of those.
That’s O.K. because we are in love, and we get unlimited access to the baby smell, adorable noises, funny facial expressions, and lots of chubby smiles. My daughters and I laugh because we even swoon over her blinks. She is simply sent from heaven.
Still I want to do it all. Stuff like running an organized household, making lunches and dinners everyday, and giving everyone the love and attention they need. We also need to finish fixing up our house, which is 85% done (I can’t wait to show you pictures). Being a perfectionist, I don’t lower my standards very easily. But I am open to slowing down.
So that was the solution: write less, but keep writing. Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom, Aristotle says, and one thing that I’ve learned about myself is that I need structure to accomplish things. So I’m going to publish on the 15th of every month, and here’s something else new: I probably won’t be so religious about focusing on thrift.
Saving money is now just one of our goals, not the overarching one that used to color every decision we made. Being thoughtful about how we spend our time, our energy, and our money is still very much how we live. But since I no longer feel compelled to compete in the field of personal finance blogs, I have more freedom in what I write about.
I’ll still write about home and food and family and making things, but the posts will be a little more personal. There might be less emphasis on tips and more on insights. But definitely some of both.
Ever since I decided to stop trying to squeeze money out of writing, I knew this blog would be more of a hobby; my main job is to take care of the family and house and doing what I could to conserve and maximize our money. And that change in my ambitions will be reflected in this new iteration of Frugal Mama.
It’s like the blog is going from a kind of department store to a boutique. A little more individual, quirky, intimate.
This change also means that it’ll just be me, the boutique owner, behind the counter. For the past year and a half, I’ve been lucky to have six contributors on board. Each of them — Jen, Karen, Rayna, Samantha, Sara, and Suz — has brought different perspectives and new ideas to the blog, and it has grown as a result.
But now that I am taking Frugal Mama in a more personal direction, and slowing down the publishing schedule, it made sense for me to take the blog back into my own hands.
I’ve toyed with changing the name of the site, but for now, I think I’ll stick with it and see how things unfold. I’m not sure where this writing will lead, but as Diana has taught us, sometimes you just have to let life surprise and delight you.
Virginia opening a feel-good letter from her sister last Christmas
It’s that time of year when many people think about giving presents. As people of all income levels can attest, the gift thing can get a little over-the-top. How far have we come from the days when our grandparents would be excited to get an orange, a couple pieces of hard candy, or maybe a pair of shoes for Christmas? In this age of cheap mass-produced goods, material things quickly lose their appeal. More and more things pile up and we end up feeling overwhelmed with Stuff. The overproduction of goods today has converged with the ease of the World Wide Web, where basically anything anywhere can be bought with a few clicks. While it’s thrilling to have the world at our fingertips, it’s hard to find an object that seems exotic anymore. And of course, who wants to deal with the holiday hangover, when we realize after the party is over that we’ve spent too much?
Last year Sofia gave her little brother tickets for 15 minutes of play time with her
I think the most priceless gifts these days are the ones that require our time, our energy, our expertise. A gift that comes from the heart — a poem, a love song, a letter that requires sharing one’s feelings — is rarer than jewelry. A gift that requires one’s effort — babysitting, taking over a monthly chore, or compiling an album of baby pictures — is more valuable than cashmere. And whatever skill you have, whether it’s graphic design, photography, or baking, I’m sure it’s appreciated by someone who has different talents. But with people being so busy these days, and the holiday crunch making schedules even tighter, how do we avoid converting worry about money into stress about time? As usual, the answer is planning ahead. Whether you are making a scrapbook, a sweater, or a mega-batch of Dutch hot chocolate, now is the time to start. Most people work better with deadlines, so find one for yourself (look up cut-off dates for the post office, your favorite photo processor, or the holiday party) and start working backwards. What can you do now that will lighten your load later?
Virginia gave her grandfather a poem telling him how much she loves him
For example, I have a daunting amount of photos to go through to make my annual Christmas photo book gift. That to-do list item never gets crossed off but just moves from one list to another. It’s just too big. I should have known to divide the task into smaller, very specific ones to help myself get it done. For example, I could say, “Delete blurry, useless, and extraneous photos from January, 2013.” Like purging before packing for a move, this pre-work makes the real job go much faster and easier. Also it helps to give myself time limits. Who has a three-hour block of free time? Instead almost everyone has 15 minutes a day to spare. So I set a kitchen timer, and do as much as I can in that window. The concentrated time forces me to stay focused and get something done (especially if I turn off email). See more ideas on keeping the holidays sane in this recent interview with the Sacramento Bee: Personal Finance: A cure for the holiday hangover is keeping your spending under control.
Sofia made a book of jokes for her grandfather with a good sense of humor
And here are some more ideas that I’ve written about over the years:
I know you’re busy with Thanksgiving and the general merriment of the season, but when you get a chance, I’d love to hear about unconventional gifts that you’ve loved.
My son, Mark, got a bunch of lego sets for his fourth birthday last year. I spent a good hour one morning setting up for him a Star Wars spaceship, complete with tiny storm troopers.
It was actually kind-of satisfying to make something come together so perfectly (and much more easily than a piece of IKEA furniture). I also saw how there was value in following directions. If I had insisted Mark do it himself, he would have needed to call on his patience, his small motor coordination, and some perseverance.
Once the spaceship was completed perfectly, however, I knew it would begin its slow decline. Pieces would break off, men would get lost. It would be a lot of work to keep together a toy made up of 200 miniature pieces.
And then, since most Lego sets today are modeled after Hollywood characters, there isn’t a whole lot of motivation for children to come up with their own storylines. It’s easier just to act out the scripts they’ve seen on the screen.
I’m passionate about imaginative play, so you can imagine my delight when Mark created his own ship from a box of legos by himself, with Arctic Batman, Mr. Freeze, and Aquaman riding on top, and said, “These guys are on the same team.”
I loved that he was OK about his creation not being a mirror image of what was shown on the box.
I loved that his ship was imperfect, wacky, and unlikely.
And it didn’t matter if the creation broke (which it did, over and over) because there was no one way that it had to be built. He could create and recreate things endlessly and always feel like each piece was exactly the way it was supposed to be.
A lot has already been said about how Legos’ introduction of step-by-step instructions and branded sets could deter imaginative play. But I just want to say, Hooray to kids playing with these toys however they want. And hooray to being on the same team.
